Thursday, July 28, 2011


can someone please explain this feeling i get? 

it starts out with a pain in my chest, a hurt in my tummy,on the verge of tears, my head feels like it's spinning a million directions, and my throat starts to swell and i feel like my air supply is running low. but how come? is it trust? i don't think so.. then WHAT IS IT? i hate it. i wish i never felt this way.  but it ALWAYS happens.

a letter to me.

  dear tummy,

             sorry for the butterflies, it's all HIS fault.

love, me.

i get butterflies when...

he kisses my forhead.
he is about to smile but it never quite turns into a smile.
he tells me he loves me.
he tells me i'm gorgeous.
he sings and plays his guitar for me.
he holds me in his arms and doesn't let go.
he holds my hand.
he squeezes my hand. (means something special)
he lets everyone around him know that i'm his.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

just the beginning.

today i get to go to lunch with my cute birth mom Lori.  i'm very excited.  this is the first time we'll have done anything since i met her on June 26th.  it's been too long, that's for sure.  i think she is going to bring her girls.  my cute little half sisters.  i can't wait to meet them.  i am so lucky to have these amazing people in my life.  and this is just the beginning of a lifetime friendship.  i will post again about how it all went.  and pictures of course! 

flowers make me smile.

a simple act goes a long ways.
i love all the cute things that a boy does for his girl.  like takes her flowers, buys her lunch, takes her on a cute date, goes for a walk, talks for hours about nothing and everything at the same time, writes her cute notes, and the list goes on.. well there is this cute boy that does cute things for me:)  i get cute notes from this boy all the time.  notes? yup i said notes.  sounds like we're in third grade huh? wrong, just something cute we like to do.  one night he picked a flower from somebodys yard and gave it to me. and of course i got mad at him for picking it from someone's yard, but it was really cute of him.  he now picks flowers for me all the time.  its way cute and always makes my day a little better. thank you Alan Williams for being my cute boy:) 

he brought me flowers to school on my birthday:)


Sunday, July 17, 2011


–verb (used without object)
to have life, as an organism; be alive; be capable of vital functions: all things that live.
to continue to have life; remain alive: to live to a ripe old age.
to continue in existence, operation, memory, etc.; last: a book that lives in my memory.
my favorite word is live.  i think each new day that you get the opportunity to live, is a blessing.  we need to live our lives to the fullest.  don't step back and watch the world, but be apart of everything you want to do.  be yourself.  live for yourself and no one else.  to live, is not to just be alive. to live, is to have a purpose in life and enjoy everyday as if it were your last.  i live for dance.  i live for hair.  i live for my family and those close friends who are true friends.  i am not saying that i live for my family and friends, but that they make living worth it to me.  i have a passion for dance and for doing hair.  each day that i live, i am doing hair.  i go to hairschool everyday and i learn something new each day.  i don't waste my days by sitting at school and not working on something.  i work on my doll head if i don't have a client.  i have danced since i was 3 years old.  i have lived for dance my whole life.  i gave up so much for dance, because it was my passion and it was worth it to me.  i was suppose to get hip surgery about four years ago and i told the doctor no.  i wanted to finish dancing throughout high school.  so i did.  yes, the doctors did get mad at me, but i didn't care.  dance is so important to me that i have suffered through the pain so that i could dance in high school.  i would never change that decision i made.  there are many people who live for other people and not for themselves.  wether it's living for your parents and doing what they want you to do only to make them happy.  or if it's living for that cute boy that you've had a crush on since kindergarten and you only want him to be impressed by you.  we can't do things for other people.  that isn't true happiness.  you need to do things for yourself because it makes you happy.  who cares what others think of you??  i used to care, until i realized that what others think of me shouldn't change who i am.  i am who i am and i am proud of it.  i live for myself and no one else. 

who do you live for?

Sunday, July 10, 2011

a better understanding.

i wanted my first post to be something special.  so here it is.  i am adopted.  everyone pretty much knows that.  except one of my best friends, Alan Williams, found out that i was adopted after he had known me for six months.  i am still shocked that he didn't know before.  i've always wanted to meet my birth mom.  why, you ask?  so that i can give her a big hug and say thank you.  if that would be all i could do, i would do it in a heartbeat.  my parents wanted me to wait untill after graduation to meet her.  so i did.  when graduation was coming close, i reminded my mom that i want to meet my birth mother and asked her to get things figured out with her.  So my mom sent my birth grandmother my graduation announcement and a letter saying that i would like to meet my birth mom, and if she was interested, to have her email us.  So the very next day, after receiving the letter, my birth mom email my mom back.  in the email she said that she wants to meet me and that she can't wait and has so many emotions and feelings.   it was a sunday night when i was at Alan's and i got a call from my dad.  typical, he asked me what i was doing and when i'd be home.  i told him i would be home after our movie was over.  he told me that i might want to come home soon cause we have to schedule something.  i knew right then what he was talking about.  so i then went on explaining to Alan what i thought my dad was talking about.  Alan had the most confused look on his face.  he didn't know i was adopted! i was shocked. i tell him everything. but apparently not. cause he should know that, he knows everything else about me. he told me to go home so that i could figure things out.  i went home and my parents told me the good news.  she wants to meet me.  i was so excited. we emailed her back right then with the dates that would work for us.  for the next two days i waited impatiently for an email back.  i constantly asked my mom if she had checked her email yet. i probably got on her nerves, but i was excited and wanted to know when this amazing day was going to happen.  On June 21, i was at Alan's house with the homies and i got a text from my mom saying, email:)  that was it. so i jumped up, kicked Alan in the leg cause i was so excited, and ran outside to call my mom.  we got things figured out and planned for her to come to our house on Sunday June 26.  i told Alan first and of course i called my best friend Kirsten to tell her.  did she answer? nope. cause she was at a cabin in heber for a church thing.  so Alan and i left all the homies at his house and went to Kirst's to wait for her to get home so i could tell her.  honestly, Alan and Kirst are amazing.  i don't know what i would do without them.  They were by my side every second.  they were both so excited for me.  Alan was very overwhelmed himself because he found out i was adopted and that i get to meet my birth mom all in the same day.  overwhelming for sure.  i love these two with all my heart.  i figured that the rest of the week would be the longest week of my life.  it actually flew by.  Sunday came before i knew it.  i was very emotional all week.  Alan helped me so much.  i can't ever thank him enough.  i broke down so many times.  at school, random nights, just cause i was thinking about sunday.. i always had a shoulder to cry on.  i cried cause i was honestly feeling every single emotion possible.  i was excited, happy, scared out of my mind, nervouse, overwhelmed, and every other emotion.  i wasn't sure if this would be a closure thing for my birth mom, or if she would want to start a relationship with me.  i wanted to have a relationship with her.  i was hoping and praying that it could work out.  i didn't want her to come into my life to take over the mother role, but to be my best friend.  Sunday finally came.  i was so nervous all day.  She was coming sometime between 4-5.  i was sitting on my couch shaking, with a nervous stomache ache.  the doorbell rang at about 4:15.  my dad answered the door.  It was my birth mom, Lori.  she walked in and right when we saw each other, we started crying.  we hugged tight for a minute.  then we looked at each other.  she couldn't believe how grown up i was.  we sat and talked for hours.  i was able to ask her questions and she asked me questions.  it was amazing. i fell in love with her as we talked.  she is such an amazing woman.  it takes so much strength and love to give up your child for the better.  something that i will never understand.  i have never once been mad at my birth mom.  so people get mad at their birth mother for giving them up.  but i have always loved her for it.  i know that she wanted to give me a life that at the time she wasn't capable of giving me herself.  i will be eternally grateful for her decision, strength, and love to give me up.  for a 17 year old to make the choice of giving her baby a better life, is an incredible thing to me.  my birth mom is beautiful.  i feel like i have a better understanding of where i come from now.  we have so many similarities.  i couldn't stop staring at her.  we look so much alike.  i love that.  i've always wondered who i look like.  cause i look at my friends and i can tell them that they look like their mom or dad or their sibilings, and i've always wondered for myself.  i actually do kinda look like my mom and dad and one of my brothers.  thats always been interesting.  but now i know.  i am so thankful for the incredible opportunity i had to meet my birth mom.  she gave me everything.  i wouldn't know the people i do now if it weren't for her.  i wouldn't be who i am today if it weren't for her. but now i am happy to say that she can be a part of my life.  she can be to all the important things, like my wedding. whenever that day comes.  i am excited to see where our friendship takes us.  i love you mom.

my birth mom and i :)

birth mom. me. mom.

we look so much alike. i love it:)

birth grandma. me. birth mom.

i love her with all my heart.

she is beautiful.

same height??

we had to measure.

thank you.

i love you.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

starting again.

after getting HACKED (losing my facebook, email, and blog), i finally decided to make a new blog. thanks to kirst who designed this new baby for me :)